“hot summer, a hot hot summer.”

September 2010 October 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011

hey friends.

i'm feeling worse. not like, sick-worse, but emotionally worse. i feel like my heart is exploding due to the outburst of emotions. i want to cry, but i can't. i think i'll feel better after i cry. but srsly, i cant. why? what on earth is stopping me from crying?

i recently saw something on tumblr which says: "it is psychologically proven that if your first tear comes from your right eye, its happiness, but when it comes from your left, its pain". wow. does that mean that all this time, i've been crying due to happiness? i thought i was crying because i was heartbroken. wow. i sound lovesick here.

you know, i'm meant to be getting over you, but srsly. everytime i almost like, get over you, its like. you somehow make me like you again. i really dislike that part about you.

i dont know. im drowning in all these unnecessary emotions. its just. omg. i dont know. sometimes i feel like i cant take it anymore. my heart feels like it dropped to where my gut is. i feel so perturbed nowadays. its so obvious. if its something small, i usually can cover it up, but im that sort of person who cant really cover their emotions. wow. i fail. goodness.

sometimes, what i want is like a sign, you know? that at least you care? but it seems like you dont. at all. its not even funny. on the bright side, i finished my ict practicals :) even though i think i messed up my paper 3 badly.

i skyped with mitty today. 10 days :) i miss talking to you everyday. i miss seeing you everyday. i cant wait for you to come back. wow. i sound obsessed o.o it was nice to actually talk to you just now. i miss the fact that you were my shoulder to cry on.

i think that whenever i'm alone, i somehow feel worse than usual. like now. all alone. maybe its because i distance myself from people. i srsly think im becoming more socially awkward. which is bad. i cant smile nowadays. there's always this upset look on my face apparently. gotta turn that frown, upside down you know? and its ming's birthday tmr. or in like.. 53 minutes. i wanna be the first to wish her everywhere. she's been such a close friend of mine for awhile now. but i doubt i will be the first. ming, if you're reading this, i bet that you're new buds are gonna beat me to it. again. lol. sighh.

friends, i really need someone to talk to. but its like, i cant seem to trust people nowadays. somehow, everything i say gets around to everyone. i dont know who's telling or whatever, or maybe they overheard someone talking about it to someone else who i told, but.. i dont know. i really dont know. i feel like im a shadow of my former self. i feel like a ghost sometimes. just drifting through the school hallways, living life without joy most of the time. by the way, if you're one of those people who somehow see me smiling everytime you see me, well, its probably cause my friends are there to cheer me up and to make me laugh. but once they are gone, i become an empty shell.

this post is so ranty. im so sorry. but, i really dont know. its like, whenever i feel sad and just need someone to be there, no one's there. but whenever im fine, people swarm me and whatnot. i mean, i dont mind, but i really just want someone who is able to be there to cheer me up whenever im down. im getting scared of disturbing my like other friends, because they're gonna think im annoying. mitty, well, sorry to keep on mentioning her name (sorry mitty, if you're reading this. im making you sound like a superwoman. lol.), well, she's like an older sister. someone who im really comfortable just like, disturbing her and saying "OH MY I HAVE ISSUES PLEASE LISTEN OR ELSE I'LL BE SAD. KTHX." but usually for others, they're like freaking busy or like.. well. they cant attend to me all the time, you know? like that. i want a hug. a nice, warm hug which will cheer me up. i have to behave tmr. its ming's birthday. i have to be happy for her. i have to be.

oh speak of the devil. she's calling me on skype now. maybe this will cheer me up.

anyways, expect a post later dedicated to ming :)

byes (:

x